


empty afterwards

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Retirement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 13:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11291241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After reitiring, Viktor isscared.





	empty afterwards

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry for making viktor suffer.   
> also i tagged this as gen because it's more centered on viktor's angst than viktuuri, although their marriage is mentioned.

Viktor doesn't know who he is when skating is stripped away from his life. He's too old to skate professionally, he knows he isn't a good coach, and his joints hurt whenever he gets on the ice.

Viktor is skating, Viktor is interviews, Viktor is gold medals getting dusty on the shelf, Viktor is sweat, Viktor is showering at the changing room.

But he doesn't skate anymore, and no one has offered him an interview in months, and Yuuri put the medals in a box, and he stays motionless, and Viktor doesn't remember going to a changing room in the last six months.

Viktor remembers when he started skating as if it happened yesterday. Asking his mom, the way she'd smile and buy him skates that pressed against his feet. Asking for a coach at age twelve. But it's been sixteen years since then and he feels like he doesn't know anything else than skating.

When he was in high school he never took any extra curricular activities. He just wanted to focus on skating, skating, skating. Nothing mattered besides it; when his mother died, he just put his mind to work. He overworked enough to fall down after hours, everything hurting so much he couldn't move.

He feels empty inside out, like there's something eating him alive, a black hole in his chest. Yuuri knows how he feels— he's sleeping next to him, their bodies pressed together. He can't sleep, his mind working the night shift.

He feels sick with how he doesn't know what to do with his life. Yuuri isn't skating either, retirement the best option when you're twenty-seven and everything hurts. But he has something more than their career— he went to college, he got a degree, he's going to work in physical therapy.

He wants to be something else than five-time Grand Prix Final winner, Olympian, Russia's heartthrob, a legend of figure skating. He needs to be something else— he doesn't want to stop existing after retiring, because he feels like his identity is gone after all he's had to go through.

He remembers his mother, clinging to her tombstone as if life depended on it when he arrived to Russia. He remembers the way people harassed him, or when younger skaters admitted having a crush on him, when he dated them to not hurt them.

His heart hurts, and he really only wants to be something else than his career. But he doesn't know how— he's thirty years old, he's married, he doesn't have a college degree, he's never had a job. He doesn't know how to do it. He's not experienced on how the real world works, at all.

He's lived in a fantasy for a long, long time. Yakov tried the best to get him sponsors, because skating is expensive and he knows it. He never got a job to help with his career. Everyone took care of it.

He's a spoiled kid, he believes.

"Yuuri," he can't help but say. His worries are eating him alive, and he knows Yuuri knows how to deal with anxiety and fear better than anyone. He's been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder for over ten years, he knows how it feels to be like this.

Yuuri doesn't wake up. Viktor doesn't want to annoy him; he's groggy after waking up, after all. He sighs, and he feels like he needs to be comforted, to have someone help him through this.

He's seen therapists and psychiatrists, the antidepressants forgotten in the counter almost everyday. His only job has been skating. 

He doesn't know what to do, and it feels like he's useless now that he's neither coaching or skating professionally. He exhales and closes his eyes before trying to fall asleep.

He knows he won't be able to, but the thought of forgetting his fears for a few hours seems nice. He hopes he dreams of something better than what his life is.


End file.
